Gutted

I'd come to terms with the idea that I wouldn't get time to be able to travel the huge distance from Pune to Manali in order to visit DUF - the place that became a second home to me during my first gap year in India. It seemed hard because obviously being in India is a LOT closer to re-visitng than being here in the UK, and I really wanted to be able to visit them, but I'd got used to the idea and accepted that I can always save up for another chance... hopefully.
HOWEVER I just signed in to my emails to discover a Wedding Invitation from DUF because one of their older girls (who I didn't meet, but that wouldn't matter - I'm a part of the family) is getting married on 7th October!!! I'll be in India then!!! I did consider begging Sangam to let me go, but I'll be in the middle of my training (well, barely started actually) so it'd be the worst time to request and I doubt it'd be possible. Which is fair enough - I've signed up for the job and had already focused on that in my mind. And then I did a search for flights straight up to Kullu as that's the only way I'd make it, and because it's such late notice they'd cost me getting on for £300!!! That's almost as much as the flight from here to Mumbai and there's no way I can justify it.
So nothing's changed really, but right now I'm feeling decidedly disappointed because that would so totally have been one of the greatest ways to revisit DUF.....

TTFN

6 days to go....

Since I last wrote, things have been a bit up and down in terms of how I'm feeling. Only natural I suppose. A few minor little things have been adding up to get me frustrated - panics about visa submission (which I did yesterday so now just desperately hoping they don't take issue with anything and refuse it), things going on here in the UK that've made me feel like I should be here doing things or helping people out rather than jetting off halfway around the world, etc.

HOWEVER, The fact that I realised in my last post that this is right for me has got me through those down times. I interviewed someone to determine whether they were suitable for a gap year on behalf of Lattitude a while ago, and their response to 'how do you think you'll cope if you get home sick?' was that they knew it was only a few months, and would be able to focus on the important work that they were doing in the knowledge that they'd be home soon enough and their adventure will have ended so they might as well make the most of it. GREAT answer. I know that 6 months will actually fly by because I'll be too busy enjoying the experience to worry about it, and it'll be the same in some respects for the people back home. Then it'll just be a case of finding another huge chunk of time to be able to catch up on 6months' worth of everyone's lives. Maybe I should get all my friends to start blogging too...!

What I was actually going to comment on in this post is what I've still got left to do. Yesterday was my last meeting with 142nd Birmingham Brownies - we had a pizza night as it was one of their ideas for the term and we thought it'd be a good celebration-type evening for me to end on. I also took some photos of them so I've got something to show what brownies in the UK get up to!

Today, I've got to go through all my dad's archived photos of friends and family and get some printed to take out with me. I've also got to go to asda and do a bit of shopping, then it's tidy the house, and then I really must see how well the growing mound of stuff in my room will fit into my rucksack.
I've got 4 days home alone now as Dad's at work and my sister's gone back to Uni, so just me and the cat to finish getting organised. At the weekend I need to put my car safely on the front garden (scrappy patch of mud and weeds) and SORN it, then empty it of anything and everything to prevent someone breaking in to her. I've got 'important documents' saved all over the place on 3 different computers at the moment, so need to get them in one place and organised...

I think that's about it. Haven't got the list in front of me but it's pretty short now. Thank goodness.

TTFN

Mentally ready?

I had a leaving party on Saturday - 15 of my closest friends and family for a really nice, relaxed food and drink session in the garden in the sunshine. It was lovely. But then I had to say goodbye to them all, and say 'see you in April'! Although it was a bit weird, and in some cases quite sad, it felt right. I started to feel like this is definitely the right thing for me. My uni friends are all either in part-time work looking for something more permanent, or continuing with further study. Neither of those options feels like it would work for me right now. I'm not ready to find a career in which to settle, and I certainly don't want to be back at uni. I'm not even sure yet that I want to return to that world at the end of 2012, but there's still time to figure that out.

Sangam is the right thing for me right now. That's how I feel. This is definitely a good thing seeing as I fly in less than 2 weeks. I have recently been suffering a little bit from the panic that I guess (I hope) everyone feels as a big event draws nearer; am I going to enjoy it, what if I don't, was I stupid to choose this etc. But now I'm starting to feel ready for it. I started reading Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts; his description of India made me excited to be going back - it really did become a place that I felt at home last time. And I also started to think more about girlguiding and what Sangam represents.

I've always been involved in Girlguiding; it's always been a hobby and I guess a passion. Although many friends give me (what I hope is goodhumoured) stick about it, I've never considered that it's something I might not be involved with as much and for as long as possible. Back in sleepy Faringdon, I didn't have all that many opportunities available to me within the organisation, nor the confidence to take up any that did arise. That's all changing and I'm hoping that my term at Sangam will be the start of being able to get involved with the really amazing side of Girlguiding as well as the everyday enjoyment of running a brownie unit with some other awesome and inspiring people.

I never seem to be able to describe this very well, so I'm going to direct you to Jessica's blog. Jessica is from the USA and is my co-Long-Term-Winter-Volunteer at Sangam - meaning she arrives and leaves at the same time as I do (there will also be other vols who are already there, and who will arrive after we do). Her blog makes mine look rubbish really, but I really agree with her assessment of what girlguiding (scouting in the US - the only real diference is the name and that they sell cookies!) is all about. She writes that "at its heart, Girl Scouts and Girl Guides foster the growth and success of girls and young women, encourage them to strive towards and achieve their dreams, and work tirelessly to change the world and make it a better place" - totally agree, thanks Jessica!

So yes, I am starting to feel like I'm mentally prepared, and I'm getting closer to being physically prepared as well. A practise pack is looming....

TTFN

Ticking things off the list...

I wrote a list last week of everything that needed to be done before I go to India. A lot of it India-related, but others just bits and bobs that haven't got done yet. Whilst I've been slowly crossing things off, I've also been adding things, so today has been a concerted effort to cross as much off as possible. I've filled in my Visa application for the second time, because I made a mistake on the first and it wasn't worth the risk of filing it anyway. I've emptied my sister's old laptop and re-organised it so it's only got the things I need on it and can then be left at Sangam. I've checked all the paperwork for uni and student finance, and left it in a nice purple folder where it can be found easily while I'm away if necessary. I've ordered birthday presents and sorted through paperwork. I also finished painting the garden fence and put some new netting up for the plants in preparation for my leaving party on saturday. Although the forecast is now saying rain so I'm not sure how much we're going to be able to benefit from the lovely garden.
Still a lot left to do, but most of the really important things have been done now. It's just tinkering really so that there aren't loads of annoying things that my family will have to deal with and/or shout at me about as they crop up during my time away!

As far as feeling mentally prepared, I'm not sure where I stand really. I fly in 18 days. And it's not really real yet. Although pretty much every day is filled with things related to my trip, it seems very distant somehow. At times I feel excited and at other times I feel scared. Then I'll revert to being upset that I'll be missing out on life here. Can't decide. Maybe next blog I'll be feeling one way or the other. I won't be getting many more blogs in before I leave, but I'll see what I can do!

Getting this blogging thing going properly!

So I’ve been working very hard for the last few weeks. My job was to mentor teams of 12 teenagers as they went through an intensive programme designed to give them a significant, potentially life-changing experience, and to give them the confidence and skills needed to take an active role in improving their communities. It’s a scheme that I wanted to work with as it does the things I’m passionate about, but I didn’t expect it to have as profound an effect on me as it has done.

I’ll be honest. The only way to describe my experience with the first team I took through the programme is ‘disappointing’. In so many ways. I didn’t know what to expect and went about some things in the wrong way, and overall the experience was just not what I’d hoped. Lesson 1 – young people are much more perceptive than I’ve perhaps given them credit for previously, and my body language tells things I may think I’m hiding. But I was determined to continue with the plan to take a second team on, and therein lies Lesson 2 – it is always worth facing your fears and challenging yourself to improve. And what an improvement. Although I struggled slightly to define whether the team were better anyway which made me more relaxed or vice-versa (a bit of a chicken and egg dilemma), both facts were true. And as a result I enjoyed the experience more and was able to learn even more from it. I wasn’t only surprised by the incredible passion, talent and ability of the young people I was working with, but by how much I learnt about myself. I’m sure that so much of this is going to prove useful during my Sangam adventure, and then throughout my life. There is a lot that I’ve not quite worked out in my head yet, but I know what I want to be able to do.

I want to be able to stay calm enough to ensure that the smile on my face is echoed in my body language so that I appear to be genuine. I had no idea that this wasn’t the case until a colleague pointed it out to me. I learnt a long time ago that it’s important to always look the part (like I’m enjoying working with kids eg) even when it’s difficult, but apparently I haven’t managed to do that as much as I’d thought. Lesson 3. I guess ultimately Lesson 4’s aim is to actually be enjoying everything so it doesn’t need to be put on. Not sure that’ll ever be possible for me – there are always things in life that will get anyone down I guess and I do tend to be more susceptible. These aims are going to be difficult, because a part of me is proud that I am sensitive and wear my heart on my sleeve – it’s why I am good at working with young people because I can empathise.

In my role at Sangam, it’s going to be important to remain positive even when I’m knackered and fed up. The last few weeks have certainly prepared me for that. Lesson 5 – take breaks when you get the chance, even if you don’t actually feel that you need it right then. You’ll be grateful for it later. And Lesson 6 – whilst it’s great to be passionate about the job, it’s ok to just do your job, and not feel that one always has to go over and above. As I write these, I’m starting to feel like they’re contradicting some of my personal missions/goals, but I guess Lesson 7 is to make sure that I’m taking care of myself as well as everything and everyone else. That’s one that people have been trying to get me to learn for a long time, yet I’ve always been reluctant to because it feels somehow selfish. I’ve finally learnt though that it’s not, because if I’m happy, healthy, relaxed then I am able to give more of myself the rest of the time.

Ironically considering my previous statement, Lesson 8 is to never compromise on dreams and passions. The young people I’ve been working with have been truly inspiring in that sense. Some of our debates and discussions were on the verge of being full-out arguments because they were so keen to make sure that their point of view was heard. And then when one got the chance to talk to them about their dreams and ambitions, they became even more passionate. Perhaps I’ve grown out of my dreams, or perhaps I just need to find new ones. I’ve been floundering a bit recently about what I want to do with my life; whether I want to teach or not and if I don’t, what I want to do instead. Sangam is a part of that – a chance to step away from the stress of life in the UK and really think about what I want to do. It helped me a lot to be able to do that during my last gap year, and I’m hoping this one will do the same. I’m also trying to make this blog a bit more personal and to write more (had you noticed?!) because a couple of friends have been suggesting that I should really consider trying to write more and maybe get things published with a view to perhaps going into journalism. I’m not sure that it’s something I want to do yet, and I certainly don’t have that much faith in my writing, but it’s nice that some do and have made the effort to inspire me to continue. Plus writing has always been a useful tool for me to sort out my thoughts, and considering all the things I’ve learnt and the new aims I have for myself, there are a lot of thoughts and ideas to keep track of at the moment!

I do think that I’ve probably written enough for now, though. I hope this makes sense to you all – at least a little bit. It’s always hard to tell when one writes one’s thoughts down just how much they actually have an order or whether they even make sense. I just wanted to try and portray how significant 6 weeks of intensive work with some amazing young people – the leaders of tomorrow – has been, and how much I’ve learnt about myself and about how I should/ want to go about living my life. If I learn even half as much from my time at Sangam, I’ll be really pleased. I do feel like this summer has almost been a taster of the 6 months I’ve got in India to go and have an impact and make a difference out there, whilst also finalising my goals, ambitions and personal beliefs, ready to finally face the world as the adult Philippa that I’ve really been in denial of for a while. On The Challenge, we shared ‘stories of transition’ to demonstrate to the young people how events both big and small can have significant impacts on your life. For a while I’ve been going through a number of small moments which have reminded me that I’m a grown-up and no longer a schoolkid or even a student, and I’m looking forward to building the foundations of a great adulthood, with the help of the transitional event of working for The Challenge and volunteering at Sangam.

With the promise of more update and/or thoughts soon,

Philippa