It's midnight. I can't sleep. I think part of the reason is that I slept during the day today as I was (for once) enjoying a properly chilled day off. But another part of it is that I have begun to reach the part of this experience in which I am looking at myself, my life, my dreams and goals, and reassessing everything. My head is full of lists and thoughts and they keep buzzing around. It is not really a good time to be doing this given all the crazy work things that are happening, but it's not always easy to choose the moments in which one starts to be philosophical.
I realised, as I sat staring blankly at my computer, that my blogs rarely actually feature anything specifically about me. I focus on what I've been doing and the things that have happened here at Sangam; occasionally I add how I feel about a particular occurrence, but generally it's pretty impersonal. At least, that's how it seems to me. You may disagree. And I've never been very good at explaining myself - I think my close friends only understand what I'm on about most of the time because they know me so well, rather than because I explain myself well. But I thought I'd have a go here at starting to explain the impact this experience has had/is having on me, and how I've changed or intend to as a result of this. I may not succeed at all, but please bear with me - I'm trying!
Now I've written that introduction, I'm not sure where to start. I've been thinking a lot recently about how any and all experiences - even short ones - can have an impact on you if you only look at them in the right way. The event we've just started is a 'Discover Your Potential' event, and the aim is to enable girls and young women to discover themselves by completing a project with one of our community partners. This means that our '10 Million Girls' sessions have been entirely revamped to include less information giving, and more time for discussion, sharing and reflection. Because without these sessions, there's a danger that the participants will not discover their potential, as they won't - and maybe don't know how to - look at the experience in terms of what they've got out of it, rather than what they've been able to give to others. I'm in the same boat. My whole term as an SV here is kind of like one big opportunity to Discover My Potential. But if I don't stop and take the time to examine how I'm being affected by it and what I'm learning, then I will return home without having benefitted as much as I could. I'm just about half-way through my time here now, and I think I should get a move on!
I'm reminded as I write this of an episode of Friends, in which Phoebe tries desperately to find a selfless good deed. I often feel as she did - that I genuinely want to help people, and am honestly not looking to get anything out of it for myself. But I'm beginning to realise that it's ok to benefit from doing something good. It's a sort of Karma, a healthy pay-back system. I have a facebook news feed which I've entitled 'change the world' and which includes all the charities and organisations I've been involved with or appreciate, and a lot of them are constantly posting about how one single act of 'doing good' can benefit many people in many ways. So I feel like it's ok for me to be gaining and growing from the work I'm doing here to help others to grow and to improve their lives and the lives of others. (Oops that's part of the official WAGGGS definition of Advocacy - I'm becoming indoctrinated!!!)
There are certain systems in place here at Sangam to allow and encourage this personal growth to happen; I have a personal evaluation form that I - and other staff members - can fill in constantly and which gets regularly reviewed; I wrote a 'letter to self' at the start of my term which I'll receive back when I leave; we all try to give each other encouragement and feedback whenever it seems necessary. But I still don't feel like I've really discovered my potential yet.
Undoubtedly, I've developed a number of skills, both practical and those 'transferable' skills that every prospective employer apparently desires. I've experienced not one, but many new cultures, ways of life and religions already during my time here, and have been able to share and explain many aspects of my own culture with other people. I've gained in confidence and in diplomacy, I've had experiences which I've loved and those which I've not enjoyed; both will remain with me forever. I've forged new friendships and met many inspirational people. But what does this all mean in terms of who I am, what and who I want to be, and what I want to do with my life? I don't think I'm ready to answer these questions yet, but I'm beginning to think about them. They're pretty huge questions which I've asked before and undoubtedly will ask again during my lifetime, but I think this opportunity that I'm currently embracing could be a significant point for answers, if I want it to be. There is still a part of me that wants to just carry on the old way - helping out, developing skills, filling up my CV whilst doing good - without having to examine the effect these things are having on me. It's easier that way. But it's why I'm here. I can't encourage others to look inside themselves and then not do so myself. And I also can't spend 6months in a country halfway around the world from friends, family and everything familiar without that experience having an impact. The next stage is simply to try to understand what that impact is, and what I'm going to do with it once I discover it.
If I work it out, I'll try to remember to try to find the words to explain it to you!
TTFN
I realised, as I sat staring blankly at my computer, that my blogs rarely actually feature anything specifically about me. I focus on what I've been doing and the things that have happened here at Sangam; occasionally I add how I feel about a particular occurrence, but generally it's pretty impersonal. At least, that's how it seems to me. You may disagree. And I've never been very good at explaining myself - I think my close friends only understand what I'm on about most of the time because they know me so well, rather than because I explain myself well. But I thought I'd have a go here at starting to explain the impact this experience has had/is having on me, and how I've changed or intend to as a result of this. I may not succeed at all, but please bear with me - I'm trying!
Now I've written that introduction, I'm not sure where to start. I've been thinking a lot recently about how any and all experiences - even short ones - can have an impact on you if you only look at them in the right way. The event we've just started is a 'Discover Your Potential' event, and the aim is to enable girls and young women to discover themselves by completing a project with one of our community partners. This means that our '10 Million Girls' sessions have been entirely revamped to include less information giving, and more time for discussion, sharing and reflection. Because without these sessions, there's a danger that the participants will not discover their potential, as they won't - and maybe don't know how to - look at the experience in terms of what they've got out of it, rather than what they've been able to give to others. I'm in the same boat. My whole term as an SV here is kind of like one big opportunity to Discover My Potential. But if I don't stop and take the time to examine how I'm being affected by it and what I'm learning, then I will return home without having benefitted as much as I could. I'm just about half-way through my time here now, and I think I should get a move on!
I'm reminded as I write this of an episode of Friends, in which Phoebe tries desperately to find a selfless good deed. I often feel as she did - that I genuinely want to help people, and am honestly not looking to get anything out of it for myself. But I'm beginning to realise that it's ok to benefit from doing something good. It's a sort of Karma, a healthy pay-back system. I have a facebook news feed which I've entitled 'change the world' and which includes all the charities and organisations I've been involved with or appreciate, and a lot of them are constantly posting about how one single act of 'doing good' can benefit many people in many ways. So I feel like it's ok for me to be gaining and growing from the work I'm doing here to help others to grow and to improve their lives and the lives of others. (Oops that's part of the official WAGGGS definition of Advocacy - I'm becoming indoctrinated!!!)
There are certain systems in place here at Sangam to allow and encourage this personal growth to happen; I have a personal evaluation form that I - and other staff members - can fill in constantly and which gets regularly reviewed; I wrote a 'letter to self' at the start of my term which I'll receive back when I leave; we all try to give each other encouragement and feedback whenever it seems necessary. But I still don't feel like I've really discovered my potential yet.
Undoubtedly, I've developed a number of skills, both practical and those 'transferable' skills that every prospective employer apparently desires. I've experienced not one, but many new cultures, ways of life and religions already during my time here, and have been able to share and explain many aspects of my own culture with other people. I've gained in confidence and in diplomacy, I've had experiences which I've loved and those which I've not enjoyed; both will remain with me forever. I've forged new friendships and met many inspirational people. But what does this all mean in terms of who I am, what and who I want to be, and what I want to do with my life? I don't think I'm ready to answer these questions yet, but I'm beginning to think about them. They're pretty huge questions which I've asked before and undoubtedly will ask again during my lifetime, but I think this opportunity that I'm currently embracing could be a significant point for answers, if I want it to be. There is still a part of me that wants to just carry on the old way - helping out, developing skills, filling up my CV whilst doing good - without having to examine the effect these things are having on me. It's easier that way. But it's why I'm here. I can't encourage others to look inside themselves and then not do so myself. And I also can't spend 6months in a country halfway around the world from friends, family and everything familiar without that experience having an impact. The next stage is simply to try to understand what that impact is, and what I'm going to do with it once I discover it.
If I work it out, I'll try to remember to try to find the words to explain it to you!
TTFN
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